Life Update: Chaos and the Coming Days

Hey Bookworms! I needed to write something and I didn’t know what to write in this fog of sadness and pain. This isn’t just going to be about books, but about my LDR, the weather, a few points about my cerebral palsy, COVID-19, but yes I will talk about books. Let’s get started!

Chaos and the Coming Days

LDR

So first off let me start off by saying today is hard. It was supposed to be my first day with my boyfriend. I work hospitality, so when at work I receive all the updates about what we’re canceling, borders that are closing, and travel bans. When we got the notification that cancellations were happening at least until the 14th of April (it is my weekend, so I haven’t seen any newer updates since Sunday).

I knew on Saturday, I would have to change my ticket. It hurt like hell to do because at this point I haven’t seen him in 4 months.  I was supposed to leave in 2 days at that point to spend, 6 nights, and 5 days together. The most time we have spent together in a while. Not to mention this is the first time in 2 years, we have spent a birthday a part, this is what hurts the worst.

While I have a new flight booked for May with a new flexible change policy, just in case. (I am so grateful for Westjet being so helpful and understanding). I am praying this all calms down by then. My family and friends are all saying at least you are both healthy and safe, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t crack our hearts open.

I am trying to remain patient and hopeful as this is what all LDR’s are built off of. I am sending my positive thoughts out to others separated by these closures. I am trying to find comfort and not jealousy of the couples that are currently together even when it’s hard, as this is what we have to look forward to.

The Weather, Cerebral Palsy, and COVID-19

This is probably one of the few times you’ll hear me talking about my CP because although it a part of me, I try to not let it define me. I also don’t want people to assume my experience with CP is the same as another person with  CP.  Like most disabilities and disorders it is on a spectrum and has different types (which is what I hope anybody who writes about this disability includes this notes because it can set false expectations and be harmful to those who are uneducated).

While COVID-19 is affecting a lot of people with different immune deficiencies, disabilities, disorders, the young, and people over 50.  Some people with Cerebral Palsy do have weakened immune systems, thankfully, I have not been one of those people. I have only been sick at least once a year in my life if that (not including allergies), and some of those were self inflicted by being a stubborn child by and not eating when I was supposed to, often times for a full day, or weather changing rapidly.

With this extended winter we’ve been facing (the groundhog lied…), my body has been paying the price. I have been aching and swelling for weeks as the weather is on the roller coaster it is and possibly having another disability that may tie into this pain (which I can’t get checked until Fall again). I am more afraid of how my body pain is affecting me more this year than it has before than I am of a virus, because I know my body can fight it. I know I am practicing the right things, and I am trying to remain calm, because stress and anxiety can weaken the immune system.

Work

I don’t tend to talk much about work on here. Thankfully I still have work, and I am trying to stay calm and positive again. Putting money in savings and trying to be diligent. I am sending all good thoughts for those of you who can’t go to work and I am hoping my work stays consistent.

Days I am Home

On my days I have off which is a 3 day weekend this weekend because I didn’t feel it was fair to go into work on my birthday this year due to everything that went on last week. I am spending my 28th on March 18th at home, with my family, cake, books, and a movie binge. I know a lot of us are worried with the actual libraries shut down, but there is still Overdrive and Libby if you have WiFi or data access to download when you don’t have access to either.

We have each other, this blogging community, our words to reach each other even when these borders are shut down.

Want to work out, look up exercises to do at home, when I am not in pain I try to move as much as possible.

Board games, so you can keep your mind going, video games, movies and books that will make you think.

Sing, get lost in music, dance, write a poem, if your mind starts to wander in the wrong way redirect it or at least distract it.

Create don’t let your mind focus on the panic as that’s when we become our worst selves. Most importantly be kind, try not to panic buy, to help others who need the resources. This is something I stick buy as I can’t always get out due to my current state.

We are all stronger that the remenants that 2019 is holding over us. I refuse to blame 2020 for this as this started last year hence the name. 2020 is trying to teach us to be strong, calm, patient, and kind. Don’t let 2019’s left overs turn is into scared sheep.

I am going to try and practice all these suggestions, and I hope you all do too. I hope this rant stayed somewhat coherent. Happy Reading Bookworms, stay calm healthy, and safe!

 

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Let’s Just Chat: Just a chance to get my words going

Hey Bookworms! I dunno what this post is going to be about or even if it will go up. I just miss you all and wanted to talk. I know this would be better to go on social media with this but I dunno I wanted to make my blog a little more personal. I have a few things on my mind. I really want this year to be a year of growth. A year to impact others. Whether it’s in my personal life or on here. The internet the void where people go to feel like there a part of something different. This is where you can see that you are not alone.

 

I honestly have no idea where this is going, but as much as 2017 was an adventure it did have some rough parts. Family stuff, feeling a lack of growth in my job, taking a risk by trying my relationship again. The things I learned from my roughest years of 2015-to the beginning of 2017 is I can’t live my life wondering what if? My biggest struggle with these realization is not knowing where or even how to begin to start my research.

 

I think that has always been my struggle. RESEARCH. It is hard to implement for me in writing and to keep focused on it. I want to prove to the world that my disability isn’t a huge part of me only a faction. This is why I’ve got it in my head that I need a job where I can leave my mark. I want it to be in my writing but we all need a day job too right?

I want to read and find myself lost in words again. I also want to have words spill out of me again. As much as I want to finish my “Pack’s” story maybe it’s time to pull out someone else’s voice until I can hear there’s again. This isn’t writing block for me anymore, it’s deafening silence and it unsettles me.

I think my mind, creative soul, and heart needs something new to grow. I want to figure out a way to get to Vancouver, Canada. I am gonna bring a notebook for my Birthday Trip in March. I am going to see what the world whispers to me.

I don’t want to feel lost again, I am determined to start finding my path again. Adventure coaxing words and ideas out of me again. I feel everyday I feel closer to finding myself again and becoming the person I need to be.

Is anyone trying to find themselves again this year, or trying to find a way to plan your newest route? Anyone moved to a new country? Anyone feel like you need to break free of the mold people place on you? Let me know in the comments down below as much as I am here to talk, I am also here to listen. Happy Reading!

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Genrethon: Day Three Update Along with a Slightly Nervous Rant!

Hey bookworms! I decided to post an update on how far I’ve gotten in this readathon because I need a distraction. Why the need for a distraction, you ask? Well… I have an interview tomorrow! My first one EVER! Yes, I’m 24 and have never had a job. My life has always been school and books. Especially the last five because I wanted out of here, but unfortunately plans got delayed or slightly changed depending on how you want to look at it. Now what makes me more nervous is this job contacted me through one of the sites where my resume was posted, and not through the Bureau of Vocational Rehab… So I have no clue if they won’t discriminate against me for my disability… For instance, my shoes are tennis shoes because it’s the only shoe that offers my ankle support. They aren’t exactly business attire with the rest of my interview clothes. Yes I know it’s illegal to discriminate, but let’s face it the world isn’t perfect and it still happens. Now this isn’t to say this will happen to the company I am interviewed by.

It’s just stuff like this that makes me hyper aware of my Cerebral Palsy. It is part of the reason I get it out of the way first when meeting people. So they can get over solely seeing my disability and instead see me and what I am able to do. I pretty much see myself like my peers. My CP is only a small fraction of me. It doesn’t DEFINE me. If your interested in hearing more of my thoughts of why it doesn’t please let me know in the comments below. Also I am only speaking for myself and not others with my disability because there are various types and degrees of it.

So bookworms to keep my hands busy because I don’t have the ingredients to bake, I decided to do a formal update on my reading progress. Any who hope you didn’t get bored with the mini nervous rant. Onto the books!

Genrethon: Day 3 Update

Finished:

Falling into Place by Amy Zhang

Falling into Place

This book helped me some, but it wasn’t as cathartic as I hoped it’d be! I did give it a 4.5 (5 on goodreads) 5 Stars on Goodreads. I really loved the magical realism of the narrator, but be forewarned this book has triggering moments. It did make me think at the very least.

Hana-Kimi Vol 1 by Hisaya Nakajo, David Ury (Translator)

Hana-Kimi Vol 1

This was a reread from Junior High reading it via my Nook since the first read was a friend copy. This was one of the first mangas I ever read! It was still as cute and funny still but seemed a little slower this time around. I gave it a 4 out of 5 stars. If you’re into Twelfth Night or retellings of it and looking for a manga to read this one is for you! =)

Currently Reading

Simon VS the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli

Simon vs The Homosapiens Agenda

I am currently on chapter 27 and I’m really loving Simon’s Oreo diet! Seriously I want to eat everything he described! I’m really liking the amount of details and how I can see every setting. It is nice to feel as if I could walk through them! I plan to hopefully be done with it tonight.

What’s Left:

Loyalties by Wendi Kelly and Deborah Dorchak

Loyalties

So I was wrong on my page count I have 300 pages left. I plan to unwind with this one after I finish Simon because my phone will need a break.

Under the Lights by Dahlia Adler

Under the Lights

I will be reading this tonight after my Nook charges. I hope it’s a good book to calm my nerves for tomorrow.

The Beast Within by Serena Valentino

The Beast Within

This one will be read after I finish reading Loyalties because I am trying to read only one book in a  format at a time.

Fated by Alyson Noel

Fated

The same after I finish Under the Lights. I am curious to fall into another paranormal world by Alyson Noel.

Well that’s it for today’s post bookworms! How are you doing in the readathon or just your reading week? Do you have any interview tips for me? If you want to know more about how I feel about CP let me know in the comments down below. Happy Reading!

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30 Day Challenge Day 11/ Retrospection: A Book I Would NOT Recommend

30 day reading challenge

Hey bookworms! It’s Friday! Wooo! I hope your weekend is filled with books! Before I get started on this post I am going to be honest and say I’ve been dreading this post. I knew the day I saw this which book was going to be for day 11. That being said facing this book will not be easy to face. I will only be focusing on one main character for this post and will explain why below. This post will also be a review and will contain spoilers, but I do feel the need to explain why it upset me so much. With all that being said. Let’s get started!

Day 11: A Book I Hate

Say What You Will by Cammie McGovern

Say What You Will

Publisher: Harper Teen

Publishing Date: June 3rd 2014

Format: E-Book

Rating: 1.5 Stars out of 5

First Thoughts

Okay confession time! I was pulled into reading and buying this book by the hype. After this book I learned my lesson to wait till the hype dies. I had been watching reviews and people were saying Amy had a different disabilities throughout reviews. Finally I heard some one mention that she had Cerebral Palsy which is my disability. So when I found out I immediately went to her page to see why she wrote the book. She wrote it because her friend has a young daughter with CP and that was her reasoning, but what shoved me into really reading this is a Tweet on her stream that this book gave them the insight into someone with CP. I was seeing red after that and had to do it to in order to see if she really did or if i would need to write a review to help kill the ignorance stated above. It is not the readers fault for not knowing, just like prior classmates I’ve had in college. People just need a proper explanation when it comes to medical differences.

What I Felt Was Wrong 

Before I start this section let me just say I am speaking for myself as a person with CP and not for every one who has my disability. Now that is said I think this will be easiest for me to type in a list so I try to explain better and hopefully not sound too ranty.

1. There is No Disclaimer: In the beginning of the book I feel it should say this character is only representing one type of Cerebral Palsy because there are MANY types, severities, and degrees of CP

2. No Definition: There is no definition of what CP is not even the basic: Damage to the brain before, during, or after birth. Amy does explain the hemiplegia means that it only effects half of her body, but she does not even bother further explaining what it effects and how. The reporter also assumed Hemiplegia meant Amy was dying therefore confusing her Disability with an Illness. Illnesses can be cured and disabilities cannot. There is no getting rid of it there is ways to improve ones strength, balance, flexibility, etc. There will always be a residual effect no matter how strong one gets. It is our brains that cannot be fixed.

3. No Social Outlet: I cannot believe that Amy wouldn’t have ANY social outlet besides school, there is an online world, and even therapy and groups

4. The Buddy Program: I know Amy starts this to be social, but I have a hard time believing that other kids haven’t offered to help her before if not to be nice, but for selfish reasons as well. I mean they would probably get out of class a bit early.

5. Bullying: Amy is a smart character very smart in fact, so I cannot believe she did not realize she was bullied and used when she was

6. Self-Awareness: As Teenagers we are very aware of our bodies and it bothered me that she only seemed to notice her body in private and not public

7. Unrealistic Teenage Behavior: Amy lets her mom take over most of the time. I know what it is like to have a protective mom, but even I had my moody angry moments with her. Teenagers especially females if honest can be prone to having fits (or at least I did) especially if not listened to. I know Amy can’t really be too vocal but hit keys until you get her attention. Also letting her mom take over her education: Amy is painted as strong and an “inspiration” through most of this book, but for me going to school when you have a disability is normal. It is a part of life to choose to continue school, or go to work.

8. Sex: Amy’s maturity level and thought process about sex really bothered me. For me personally I always knew I wanted it to be with my first love. I mean sure I had moments of I want to get it over with and I was curious, but the way Amy just did it and didn’t think about factors of protection especially with her disability pissed me off

9. Self-Definition: I feel that Amy let her CP define her through most of the book until the end. She never really stopped to say it was a PART of her and not ALL of her. As with any difficulty you face in life it is a part of you it doesn’t take away from you as a person

What Went Well

Not much went well and it brought up a bunch of issues for me and was very triggering. I literally had points where I had to put the book down because it brought me back to a time in my life I didn’t like and would make me sob.

1. Self-Awareness: The moments in the mirror. Every girl has those moments but it shows you what she thinks is different

2. Her outlets: Her books although she can’t be too physical it reminds you that books can help you do anything

3. Description of Symptoms: There were some Symptoms that Amy faced with her CP that were described well

4. Overprotective Mother:  That I think most kids can relate too, but is a key part in the story.

Final Thoughts

IF you are looking for a book that deals with CP, disabilities, or mental health issues, I don’t think this is a good one to pick up. Please don’t think I mean to lessen your opinion of this book, but I did want to point out some of it that I felt where it was wrong to teach these things especially to readers who do not know about Cerebral Palsy. It can create assumptions that later become hurtful not only to the reader, but maybe someone else they end up meeting. No I did not write this to be an inspiration, so please do not think that. I just needed to face this book. I hope I reach someone to correct the mistake. I want not to change the view on my disability, but just kill some ignorance that is not people’s fault after all knowledge is power. I also want to say I am not upset with the author and mean nothing bad towards her. This is my first negative review I just want readers to know there is another side to CP.

Well that is all for today Bookworms this post took a lot out of me. Happy reading and I hope you have an awesome weekend!

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Brief Life Updates

Hey bookworms! I would’ve posted this with my Wrap-Up and TBR I posted recently, but my computer decided to misbehave. Anywho I wanted to just talk to you guys and tell you what is going on. School is done after this coming up week excluding my Theory Exam which is due online the 13th, but I really want to try and get it done early. Honestly I am so glad this has been the least stressful set of exams I’ve had in my college/university experience! Speaking of school my last critique for creative writing is on Wednesday! I am nervous, but excited hearing feedback is really pushing me to keep going at it. It is a good yet nervewracking feeling for me to be inspired again. I just don’t want to lose the fire for this one again! I can’t believe fall will be my last semester! By the way was I the only one who didn’t know you have to pay to apply for graduation?

Back to my feelings about words, writing, and books .I posted this on FB earlier because I was looking for inspiration and comfort with my writing, so I thought I would share it:

Watching JK Rowling’s interview with Oprah. Just wanting the inspiration and reminding me why I keep going. I’ve had this dream since I was six. Books and authors have always given me an escape, letting me do things I can’t, and helping me overcome. I hope I can keep on a roll this summer on my piece. I just wish I had someone to cuddle with whilst I watch. Books can change/save/help lives. Leave an imprint on people. I want to do that

Writing and reading have always been where I grounded myself when I was younger, and yes I struggle with letting it do that now that I’m older, but I want to give others hope too. When they feel they have no voice, or words. I have felt like that lately even though I’m having good moments lately.

I said I was going to talk about my journey with my Cerebral Palsy earlier in the month in my previous Life Updates, and this post will contain part of that. I am going to see a therapist on Thursday to get evaluated. A symptom of CP can be depression. I’ve felt it in High School, but brushed it off as low self-esteem and family issues. When I first started college though that’s when it got worse, and my anxiety has gotten worse too especially in crowds. I feel lost and no sense of control… Honestly I hope they agree to see me regularly because I just need to feel I have a safe place to speak. To know what I say won’t be told to another and that someone will just hear me. I hate not having some control, and only knowing in 5 years I want to be far away from here, but no idea where.

There is some good news though I did find somewhere that will help me get a job and plan to get in touch with them as soon as the semester is done. They specialize in helping people work who have any kind of disability, and I just want to stay productive, build a resume, gain experiences, and hopefully new friends.

Well that is all I have to say for now Bookworms. Sorry if this book was a bit all over the place, but I just wanted to talk about the next steps in this journey. I am not my disability, but it is part of me. Sometimes it makes my life difficult, but I want to make a difference. Not to be an inspiration because of it, but because of my passion. Again I am only speaking for my experience with CP not any one else’s. Everyone has a different story. Happy reading bookworms and have a good week!

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